a life lived for eternal purposes
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time is ticking really fast. i need to make a decision about which path to take. priorities just changed after nav. read :it's a welcome change - i love it. it's just now that i have realized the design of God for women. i am in the threshold of opposing dogmas. One that’s is considered a norm and the other is the influenced by the force called media. My id and superego are in a constant debate.
***unfinished***
it feels good to back in the classroom. i didn't really plan to do university teaching this sem because i thought it would be a bit toxic for me especially i want to focus my attention to NAV at least in his first year. but in a simple series of events, i'm back to where the fun is - classroom with college students. my passion in knowledege impartation was just revived. i just don't like the thought of still working at home - i have a cute baby to attend to.
i am taking it slow...i have realized a lot of things. there is no short cut way in reaching your dreams...you really have to persevere.
i am just throwing out ideas here...you may not be getting the big picture, otherwise this is going to be a looooooonnnnnnngggggggg blog. i don't want that.
hindsight 101
oh, how i wish i took a subject like this in college...
isn't he lovely?
As i was saying...
* i am learning a lot now that we are independent. it's not easy but every lesson and experience is a treasure. i now try to budget. i used the word "try" because it is something that i am just picking up to learn. i didn't know that i was not budgeting before - in the real sense of the word that is. now, i am trying bit by bit. hopefully, i can master this - i wonder when?
* cooking is something i really like to enjoy. analyze the sentence. don't u get the impression that cooking is not me? i thought it was...but not really i am a struggling chef. i just don't find it exciting. i don't know why...my mother loves to cook, she's actually good at it. my mother-in-law is a superb in this...why am i like this? okay...learning ang loving how to cook will be part of my agenda...at least in my lifetime.
* one luxury that Filipinos have is the capacity to have a house helper. it's comfortable to have one especially if you have experienced to have none - i did for 6 months! and i tell you it's hard - because i have a new born, i'm working part-time and i am adjusting. i am stil open to the idea of not having one when the kids have grown, esp when it's expensive to have one in the future - not here in my homeland.
whatelse is new?
oh, my weight...from 192 lbs- my full term pregnancy weight...i am now at learst 15 lbs shy away from my pre-pregnancy weight. shedding 1 lb. is something how much more 15! i should start soon...like tomorrow or may the day after tomorrow (great film!!!) or maybe next time...i don't know.
ohhhh....writer's block....
i can't believe it! it's been 7 months or 8(?) since my last blog! motherhood really entails a lot of changes. one should have an extraordinary deal of readiness to enjoy it. part of this readiness is being prepared to give of yourself no matter what. as a mother, i don't find this very difficult. i can't imagine that i am capable of loving a human being like i am loving NAV. (whew! i can hold him now, play with and smile at him...). i now understand why some wives say that they love their children more than their husbands. truth is, yes a mother has that tendency BUT should not be. first and foremost, my role is a wife then a mother. oh well...things like this should be discussed somewhere else...
so...what's up with me??? just read on
* nav is a big boy now, at least compared to when he was born. he's turning 8 mos!
* we are finally on our own (me, my husband and nav). we, in fact, moved twice already. 1st was too small, we stayed there for only 3 mos. our apartment this time is way better. initially, it was scary, i thought of the many conveniences that we may miss but i as i get the hang of it, i am actually enjoying the independence.
*what can independence do to a person? a lot actually. i salute those who live on their own (esp. the singles!) it's not easy. it's just now i always notice that laundry hampers get filled everyday (duh!)...i am not kidding!!! after doing the laundry, i will always feel that sense of achievement...but a few days after, it would be filled again with dirty clothes!!! (really duh!!!)
...wait...nav is crying...brb
it was my husband's birthday last dec. 1. i didn't buy him a gift and for the record this is his first bday that i didn't give him a gift. i just wrote him a letter...(published with my husband's permission)
Dear ****,
This, I think is your 1st birthday that I don't have any gift or card prepared. That does not mean that I do not consider this day special anymore. Oh well, it isn't actually, what is in a date or day anyway? I'm not giving any excuse or whatsoever but with all the things that took place these past few weeks, I'd say the day is not as important as the person.
I don't know with you but with me, when I had Nav, I asked myself, "what happened in the past 2 years?" I found a greater depth and meaning to our marriage when I saw NAv. Nathanael id ours. We will be treading this life together with God as our only refuge. I suddenly remembered the vow I made last March 24, 2001 when I told you in front of god and the people that I will love you, cherish you, support you and pray for you. Now, I have a full understanding of that vow. I'm not regretting the time we haven't had Nav - God has a purpose. But didn't you feel the "awakening" when you saw our child? I did. I realized the full essence of being a family...and I also realize the rewards of marrying a God-fearing man.I cannot imagine myself going through married life with somebody else but you. You led me to the right relationship with God. You are maybe frustrated with what is happening in your so-called "ministry circle" but let me affirm you that you are God's instrument in revealing to me His purpose. I am your fruit. When you share your insights to me and God's revelations, He speaks to my heart and I feel the truth of God revealed through the words you say.
I encourage you to continue to seek God and be more sensitive to his leading. Don't get tired, just persevere and press on. You may feel like giving up in the long run but hold on to the calling. Let's be excellent in all the things we do even if the reward is not commensurate to our efforts. Let's do everything as if we're doing it for God. These are the principles I heard and learned from you. Dramatics ba? I mean every word I wrote here.
Now that we are starting all over, I have anxieties. I'm sure you also have. But more than that, I have the confidence that God will see us through every season in our lives. He will be our refuge, strength and our guide. God is now honoring your desire to walk in faith as you lead the family. Nav and I will joyfully walk with you. Carry us as God will carry you.
Happy Birthday, by the way...
i love you beyond words, *****
when one follows the Lord's will, he may go through a crisis of belief. we know that God is leading us to a certain direction but as you decide to yield to it, you ask yourself whether it is the right thing to do. but as you evaluate the situation, you would know that it is. how?check God's Word, see if you can get confirmation from the people around and listen to the promptings in your heart.
***
i feel that i should not go back to university teaching yet. it eats up a lot of my time even if i am not in school. God opened my eyes to an alternative to help my husband in the household income and at the same time allow me to spend time with my son. being a housewife was never an option for me when i was childless. but when I saw NAV, i can't bear to leave him to just anybody to be taken cared of. it's not that i don't trust anybody, but i feel that my being a mother is an important assignment that God gave me to fulfill. i feel that i should spend most of time with NAV at least in his first year. work will always be there...there will always be an available position for me in the future but NAV's formative years will only happen once in his life and i want to see it happen with my own eyes...Oh how I love to be a mother!
***
i think i am going through a crisis of belief but i am hanging on. i am not holding on to anybody but ONLY to my Father who knows what is best for me.
fulfillment of a promise...
this phrase seems to be trite but it is something that came over me so strongly. one sunday morning i was watching channel 51 (home cable; i don 't know what the program is called) and the message was so clear to me. if we try to pursue our own desire, we will miss what the Lord has prepared for us. my husband and i have been searching for a house to move into and we set a workable budget for it. we checked a couple of prospects but i didn't have peace in all those we've seen. i always felt that we can get something better and more conducive for Nav. one of our ninongs has a passable-posh condominium unit and we asked him (through my mother-in-law) if we can rent it out with our budget. i know it was asking too much but there's no harm in asking eh?. i was so confident that we'll live in that place. but my husband told me, i should not be too comfortable of that thought because we don't know yet.
i prayed to God,,, i asked Him to take away the desire if it's not for us. the desire is still there because I have to deliberately take it away from me. i placed everything into His hands...i told Him, "i don't want to be agressive anymore, have Your way."
to make the long story short...
we found a place that suits our budget and the best thing about it is the location. one will be surprised to see a 1 bedroom house rented out for only *,*** in a village cum subdivision feel kapitolyo, pasig. amazing...
the promise for me is found in my previous blog...
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."
1 Corinthians 1:9
i myself could not fathom what God is doing to me and my family. i am not saying that everything is ironed-out. no, how can God be God if we already know what the future holds for us. our tomorrow is still unclear. i sometimes feel that I am in a limbo because I have no way of knowing what will happen next. i don't have a regular job and the steady income that we receive will require strict budgeting. but i am not anybody's employee and so is my husband. we are working to please the most high God. He is our Boss! how can we ever go hungry???
i now understand why things in past happened to me. they always have bearing on what is happening today and in the future...
as my husband and I plus Nav start a new life, we have nothing with us but the confidence that God will see us through. He has prepared a life for us that "no eyes have seen, no ears have heard and no mind has conceived."
it's amusing how i came up with something sensible while i was talking to Nav. one time, he was crying so hard because of hunger. as if dealing with an adult, i told him "okay Nav, Mom will prepare your milk, you don't have to cry so hard because you will get what you need. you just have to be patient. patience is something that you need to learn and it is spelled W-A-I-T." it came out spontaneously and it's just now that i realize how rich that thought can be.
when the baby came out, my world suddenly became very small. after living with our in-laws for almost three years, it's just now that i felt we need privacy as a family. i'm very thankful to my in-laws because of the great help they unconditionally rendered to us. they are indeed God's instruments in blessing us (me and my husband). i now realize what the Johnson and Johnson promotional slogan means - Having a baby changes everything. this is soooooooooo true. my world totally changed and i'm loving every part of it. motherhood is wonderful...you can forget about yourself because of the love you have for your child. A Mother's love is unfathomable if you are not a mother.
i am defying the principles of unity and coherence in writing an essay...
anyway, what i'm saying is, God is dealing me with my patience. i know in my heart that that message is not really for Nav...it's mine. I should be more patient and should be reminded of how it is spelled - W-A-I-T.
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."
1 Corinthians 1:9
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